love myself

I must heart myself

Chapter 1

Every action has a reaction.  Life follows this path from the moment we start the growth process from as early as when we were in our mother’s womb.

From a very young age I always wanted to help people see their full potential in themselves.  I believed that people were worth spending my time and energy on.  Nurturing the ‘stray dogs’, healing them, feeding them with my passion and energy, leaving me weak and soon there-after, leaving me abandoned as they spread their wings and moved on in their lives, leaving me behind, alone.  I was despondent after each encounter, and then a new ‘stray dog’ would come into my life and the cycle would begin again.

After many years of this re-occurring cycle and many despondent moments later, I relooked at this situation and realised that this was a gift and a curse for me.

The curse: I was helping people and awaiting something in return to make me feel like I belonged, make me feel better about myself.  I didn’t love myself enough.  I needed people to make me feel better about myself so that I could feel more confident, more worth something.  To seemingly love myself.

The gift: I made people feel better about themselves, or I at least planted a seed in their life from which they could now grow their own garden of Eden.  A new outlook on life for them and make them feel more worthy of themselves and more passionate about their journey in life.

Were they the ‘stray dogs’ or was I?

Following my Yellow Brick Road

In my introductory post, “This is my yellow brick road”, I gave you a brief insight into my home life.  About my upbringing, my family, my mother’s way of showing her love and my father’s way of showing love.  My mother provided me with more than enough love by means of affection and emotion to make up for the lack of display of love from my father.  So rightfully I should not have felt that I was deprived of anything in my upbringing.  And no matter how much I tried to remind myself of this, something within me told me that this in fact had an impact on my life.  I discovered over the last few years that my need to belong, my need to show and receive affection and love was because I lacked this from my father who I looked up to and admired, and as I was not receiving this from him, I was looking for it elsewhere….

In the past few years I have been very susceptible to losing my voice and I just put it down as weak vocal chords, until one day, a very random day, whilst in conversation with a like minded individual (Nick) about our views on spirituality, our experiences and our journeys, the subject about my voice problem came up.  He mentioned that this could be that I’m not speaking up about my true feelings.  It could be directly related to one of my chakras, and that I’m in denial about something that is very close to home and even though I thought I had dealt with it, I might not have in it’s entirety.  This thought did leave me some food for thought.  A seed was planted and I wanted to explore this thought that could hold some water and perhaps grow my own garden of Eden.

So I started reading a book called, “Eastern Body, Western Mind” by Anodea Judith and the following excerpts ignited the passion within me to heal and begin the process to love myself, to love my father and accept all his unintentional faults.

The chakra system is a profound representation of the universe.  Each of the seven levels represents such major areas of human life that they could fill volumes all by themselves.”

“The chakra system describes the energetic structure through which we organise our life force.  By understanding this internal arrangement, we can understand our defenses and needs, and learn how to restore balance.  The chakra system is every bit as valid as any psychological theory, and I feel, far more versatile – one that is capable of spanning mind, body, and spirit.”

“Just as the emotions can and do affect our breathing, heart rate, and metabolism, the activities in the various chakras influence our glandular processes, body shape, chronic physical ailments, thoughts, and behaviour”

“Each of the seven chakras has also come to represent a major area of human psychological health, which can be briefly summarized as follows: (1) survival, (2) sexuality, (3) power, (4) love, (5) communication, (6) intuition, and (7) consciousness itself”

Cymraeg: Mae'r llun hwn yn darlunio'r saith pr...

The 7 Chakras

Many pages later I read something that set off bells in my soul.  I found my answer to my actions, of searching for a substitute for the love I craved and lacked from my father.  I recognised this the moment I read the piece in the same book by Anodea Judith’s book, speaking of “Character Armour”.  She speaks of five character structures, the age that you start to form/develop this character structure, and the structure I related to most was the ‘Oral character’:

LOWEN’S TERMS
ORAL

Age of deprivation
6 months to 2 1/2 years

Holding Pattern
Holding on (clinging)

Fear
Abandonment, rejection

Doubts
Right to have

Illusion
I can’t do it alone.  Love will solve everything.

Parent
Depriving

Personality symptoms
Depressed, needy, dependent

Eyes
Pleading, puppy dog

Positive Aspects
Loving

Body Signs
Sunken chest, too fat or too thin, pale, soft

Chakras Most affected
Excessive 2nd, excessive 4th chakra

This sounded very much like me…. and the journey to find out more about my 2nd and 4th chakra healing commenced. I could finally start looking for the answers to my questions, which I mentioned in my previous post:

Why do I follow the same patterns that are now seeming to be taking on a tumble-weed affect?  Why do people not stay in my life?  Why am I not appreciated?  Why do people not give me the same in return that I give them? Why am I giving so much of myself to others?  Why am I not giving myself the same amount of love and passion to right my life like I do for others?  Why am I not respecting myself and throwing myself at anyone who pays attention to me?

The beginning of my journey excited me, and sharing it with you has excited me too.  I would love to hear from you about your personal journeys, experiences and views.  We all have lessons to learn, from the universe and from each other.

The universe has spoken.  Love and light.

One comment on “I must heart myself

  1. Pingback: The brighter light at the end of the tunnel « My Chronic Life

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