The brighter light at the end of the tunnel

Chapter 2

A new world of discovery had opened up to me.  The possibility of a bright future and a happily-ever-after was looking to become more of a reality for me. Morbid and mundane had changed to peaches and cream. So I took on my new worldly awakening head on with determination, enthusiasm and passion.

In a previous post (I must heart myself) might suggest that I seemed a little depressed. Although my disposition was seemingly a happy one, I truthfully (thinking about it now) was not entirely happy inside. Likened to being depressed. I now have a wonderful way of changing the depressed moments which I still experience (and everyone does) by imagining it to be a wave. I don’t try and cheer myself up and try to forget or ignore the depression, instead I ride the wave of depression because I know that there is a lesson to be learned from it. I examine what motivated this dark emotion and find the reason for it and deal with it. It might be that I am not happy with my appearance, or that I feel lonely, but after a careful thought process, I find my answer and I know that if I ever encounter this specific moment again, I will know how to deal with it and not be hard on myself. I then pick myself up, dust myself off, smile at my achievement and continue living. So I ride that wave bravely and passionately because I know that there is a soft white sandy beach that I will eventually land on after riding this wave. I wanted to find out if more people do this, so I asked Alon, a friend of mine, if he has ‘off days’ and upon describing how he handles his ‘dark moments’ I was pleased to hear that he goes through the same process.

Again referring to my earlier posts, I mentioned my father’s lack of displaying affection or emotion to me. I would like to clarify: I did resent my father for this for many years, and I tried to change him to be the father that I needed and wanted him to be, but this has never come into fruition. I could not change him, so I had to learn to change to get a favourable result.  I have now learned to accept my father and appreciate him for his method of showing me love in the only way he knows how to, by being supportive and by providing for me so that I never go without, even to this very day. The reason for my acceptance is that I realised that this is how his parents displayed their love to him. So he is being a father the only way he knows how to.  He was not given the skills to change his ways. The cycle of his parents actions were instilled on them by their parents. Now it’s up to me to stop this cycle and start a new one for my daughter and future generations. It starts with me.

The more I read, the more I wanted to learn, the more excited I felt about finding a new lease on life. I became more aware and conscious of myself, my actions and reactions. It was interesting to discover in the book Eastern body, Western mind (by Anodea Judith) that all my problems stemmed from my upbringing.

Our lives can be affected from as early as our developmental stages in the womb. When we are born, our parents teach us life skills and instill their morals, beliefs and values upon us as they were taught by their parents, or as they see fit. We are conditioned to believe that this is the right way and the only way. As we grow up, some of us are fortunate enough to realise that this is not actually who we are and change the conditioning to what we feel is the right way in our life (liken it to the awakening), and then there are some of us who never realise this and carry on the cycle of a conditioned life.

There is a fantastic book which explains this perfectly called, The four agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book was a gift from Nick to me which I am grateful for as it has added value to my life and my journey. Here’s a very interesting excerpt from this book.

“We are born with the capacity to learn how to dream, and the humans who live before us teach us how to dream the way society dreams. The outside dream has so many rules that when a new human is born, we hook the child’s attention and introduce these rules into his or her mind. The outside dream uses Mom and Dad, the schools, and religion to teach us how to dream……….

The adults around us hooked our attention and put information into our minds through repetition. That is the way we learned everything we know. By using our attention we learned a whole reality, a whole dream. We learned how to behave in society: what to believe, what not to believe; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable; what is good and what is bad; what is beautiful and what is ugly; what is right and what is wrong. It was all there already – all that knowledge, all those rules and concepts about how to behave in the world…………

The outside dream hooks our attention and teaches us what to believe, beginning with the language that we speak. Language is the code for understanding and communication between humans. Every letter, every word in each language is an agreement…. Once we understand the code, our attention is hooked and the energy is transferred from one person to another.

It was not your choice to speak English. You didn’t choose your religion or your moral values – they were already there before you were born. We never had the opportunity to choose what to believe or what not to believe. We never chose even the smallest of these agreements. We didn’t even choose our own name.”

After reading this, I was even more addicted to my journey, but I was also slightly confused. I felt like I was making the right choice by taking this journey, but I was also feeling uneasy and at a cross-roads, so my friend Elismha suggested I go to a clairvoyant that she had gone to, Peter Attwood, to get some direction. I was not very comfortable with the idea of going to a clairvoyant because I believe that any seed that is planted in the mind, the subconscious takes and turns it into a tree. In other words, your future is written by your mind based on another person’s words, planting an idea, better known as subliminal conditioning. Cognitive dissonance.

But Elismha assured me that he was not a fortune teller. He merely made everything that you already knew more real. You know when you are aware of your thoughts and aware of what you should do in life, but you are too afraid to action because you are not sure of what the outcome might be?  Like taking a risk.  Peter would extract these thoughts that you already pondered on and assisted you in making the right decision by purely acknowledging them out loud and nudging you in taking the right course of action on them.

So I made the appointment and had a seating with Peter. I was very nervous when I arrived, like the nervous you get when you are about to write an exam. But the moment he opened the door, he gave me such a wonderful, warm, welcoming hug, I immediately felt his positive energy emitting from his soul, that I felt comfortable in an instant and was ready to take in all he had to say. Many thoughts were acknowledged and my path in life started to feel like it was getting some direction. Many emotions were felt during this time too, and then there was a pivotal moment. It seemed that Peter had come to an end, when he took a breath and looked at me and said, “Your angels are telling me that you have a gift. It is a very powerful gift, and they are asking you to develop this gift”. Everything seemed to brighten up at that very moment that he voiced my angels’ message to me, and I immediately felt uplifted, knowing that my intuition was right all along. He then advised me to buy a Quartz crystal or Amethyst to protect me….

And this opened another chapter for me on my journey of awakening.

We must not be afraid of what we learn about ourselves. Sometimes we prefer to be ignorant and carry on with life with blinkers on because life is easier to handle that way. We are afraid to delve and analyse in a spiritual way into our inner being for fear that we might break down our walls that we have spent the beginning and majority of our lives building up, as a means of survival, fearing that we might become weak and fail at life. But questioning our inner being does make us stronger. We learn things about ourselves that we never knew and this can spark a new passion in our lives, awakening a part of our soul with a light that is brighter than the one at the end of the tunnel.

Love and light.  The universe has spoken.